


A Golden Scheme

by GlameowGal360



Series: Ultimate Eagles, Let’s Go Lions, Golden Memes [3]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, chatfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:07:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24031048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlameowGal360/pseuds/GlameowGal360
Summary: Now that the Lions have opened up their relationships, the Golden Deer make plans to seduce them.
Relationships: Claude von Riegan/Hilda Valentine Goneril/Marianne von Edmund/Lysithea von Ordelia, Ferdinand von Aegir/Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, Leonie Pinelli/Ignatz Victor/Raphael Kirsten, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester/Claude von Riegan, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester/Hilda Valentine Goneril, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester/Ignatz Victor, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester/Marianne von Edmund
Series: Ultimate Eagles, Let’s Go Lions, Golden Memes [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1724461
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	1. Operation Ride The Lion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set before Lysithea starts dating Claude, Hilda, Marianne, or Cyril. She gets with them during this story.

Golden Memes

—Saturday, 10:30 p.m.—

Claude: Blue Alert.

Claude: I repeat, we have a BLUE ALERT.

Hilda: Holy hell it's happening.

Hilda: I need data on your sighting and location.

Claude: I have a flushed and limping Dominic being escorted by one disheveled Galatea. This is not a drill. 

Hilda: Location!

Claude: Courtyard. 

Hilda: Do you need a scout?

Claude: That would be appreciated.

Hilda: @Leonie

Hilda: @Leonie

Hilda: @LEONIE

Leonie: WTF is going on

Leonie: Oh shit. 

Hilda: Exactly!!

Leonie: Why can't you go?

Hilda: I have to finish Marianne. 

Claude: Understandable.

Leonie: I have Ignatz and Raph over here!

Claude: Also understandable.

Claude: I can take the guys if they're down.

Leonie: Lemme ask.

Leonie: They're good with that. On my way.

Hilda: Reconvene tomorrow morning?

Claude: Absolutely.

Lysithea: I can't believe I'm participating, but should someone let the Eagles in on this?

Claude: Not yet. Not until we're totally sure.

Hilda: Pink Penguin signing off and sliding between them thighs. 

Claude: Golden Guild Leader signing off and getting between two hot guys. 

Lysithea: White Rabbit signing off and 

Lysithea: Wait, why the hell did I even do that?

—Sunday, 7:35 a.m.—

Lorenz: Alright, what sort of debauchery should I expect to get involved with this time?

Claude: Not debauchery my dear: what we’re going to pursue is the art of seduction.

Lysithea: If and when Leonie confirms your theory.

Leonie: Confirmed.

Leonie: Also, I need SOME kinda compensation for last night.

Ignatz: I’d be happy to my love! Just not today. My entire body is sore.

Raphael: Sorry about that Ig. We may have overdone it. 

Claude: Yeah, should have stopped after round 2. 

Lorenz: Must all our discussions detail sexual exploits?

Claude: Don’t act like you don’t love it.

Lorenz: I admit to nothing. 

Leonie: Wait. You two wrecked Iggy and I wasn’t there to see it? I have so much regret.

Claude: I mean… You MIGHT get to see it.

Leonie: ???

Raphael: I almost forgot! Claude got the whole thing recorded. 

Lorenz: Goddess preserve me.

Leonie: You were planning on showing this to me, right boys?

Ignatz: Depending on how nicely you ask. 

Raphael: :)

Leonie: Claude, if your door isn’t open I will kick it down.

Lorenz: So, about this recording…

Claude: Why Lorenz! I thought you were against the idea of something so promiscuous.

Lorenz: I said no such thing. 

Raphael: You can watch it with Leonie if you get here fast enough.

Lorenz: I’ll be right there.

Lysithea: Huh.

Ignatz: Will you be joining us?

Lysithea: I… Not today.

—Sunday, 12:00 p.m.—

Claude: I think it’s time to put the first phase of our operation into action. 

Marianne: Oh, I’m so nervous! I hope we don’t make them uncomfortable. 

Hilda: Relax Mari. We’re just seeing if any minor advances will be reciprocated. 

Leonie: We’ll back off if they aren’t into it. 

Lorenz: I believe subtlety will be key here. 

Claude: You hear that Leonie? SUBTLETY. 

Leonie: Oh fuck you. I’m not THAT bad.

Ignatz: Love, you’re way of asking me out ended with me pinned to a wall. 

Hilda: I’m still waiting to hear the story.

Leonie: And you’ll keep waiting.

Raphael: I didn’t get pinned. I got straddled. 

Leonie: I just don’t see any point in beating around the bush!

Hilda: I will pry the details out of one of you I swear. 

Lorenz: Ah! I forgot to mention that I can’t join you today. I’m having lunch with Ferdinand. 

Claude: Right. Lunch. 

Lorenz: Pardon me for trying to spare anyone any details. 

Lorenz: We’re eating and then going back to his room.

Claude: Honesty is the best policy. 

Lorenz: Excuse you???

Claude: Except for when it isn’t. 

Marianne: Have fun on your date. :)

Lorenz: I intend to. :)

Lysithea: I’ll be observing from afar.

Hilda: Sounds good.

—Sunday, 12:25 p.m.—

Marianne: Help. Me. 

Raphael: You good?

Marianne: No. I tried going over to Mercedes but I tripped and she caught me and she SMELLS LIKE SUNSHINE AND COOKIES. I CAN’T. 

Ignatz: Are you still in the cafeteria?

Marianne: I ran to the stables. I’m hiding behind Rosemary.

Ignatz: You’re going to be fine Marianne. Breath..

Marianne: Right. I’m breathing. I’m not panicking, I’m just… Flushed?

Marianne: I’m walking back now.

Raphael: I’ll meet you at the door to the lunchroom.

Marianne: Thank you. 

—Sunday, 12:45 p.m.—

Hilda: Everything okay, Mari?

Marianne: <3

Hilda: <3

Claude: <3

—Sunday, 3:05 p.m.—

Lysithea: I have questions. 

Hilda: About the plan?

Lysithea: No, about the act of fucking and why you all do it so much. 

Hilda: Give me a sec. I am NOT equipped to handle this on my own.

Hilda: @Marianne

Marianne: What do you want to ask Lysithea?

Lysithea: I’ve read a lot, and I mean  _ a lot _ of books about sexual activities. I understand, in theory, why that sort of stimulation is pleasurable, but in real life it just seems too… Awkward to be enjoyable. 

Lysithea: I’m wrong, aren’t I?

Marianne: No, not entirely. 

Marianne: Anything involving me is bound to be awkward at some point. You should have seen me the first time I was with Hilda or Claude or both of them—you would have thought I was dying.

Hilda: I thought you looked hot. 

Marianne: Thank you darling.

Lysithea: If that’s true, how the hell did you enjoy yourself?

Hilda: Oral fixation. 

Lysithea: What in the absolute fuck. 

Marianne: If I have something in my mouth I don’t have to worry about what to say. 

Marianne: Claude and Hilda figured it out by paying attention to what did and didn’t make me tense. 

Hilda: Also, Mari looks really good with her mouth full. 

Marianne: You’ll make me blush. 

Lysithea: I’m still incredibly confused.

Lysithea: Maybe more so now than I was before.

Hilda: We tried to get Mari to relax because we love her and wanted her to have fun. 

Marianne: Everything about sex sounds awkward when you try to explain it, but what it really is to me is a way of making the people you care about relax and let go. 

Hilda: Well said!

Marianne: Happy to help. 

Marianne: Please don’t ask me to say any of this in real life. I may faint. 

Lysithea: I won’t. 

Lysithea: You’ve given me some things to think about. Thank you. 

Hilda: So, wanna grab Claude and go on a date?

Marianne: Absolutely. 

—Sunday, 5:30 p.m.—

Claude: It’s a very good thing I wasn’t here for that conversation. 

Ignatz: You would have made one-liners the whole time, wouldn’t you?

Claude: You know me so well.

Hilda: We may have some Red Interference.

Ignatz: From who?

Hilda: Songbird.

Claude: Shit. 

Ignatz: Well this mission just went down the drain. 

Claude: Not necessarily. 

__


	2. No More Overthinking Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Important relationship developments with the Lions and within the Golden Deer.

—Sunday, 5:30 p.m.—

Claude: I’m guessing Dorothea wants Ingrid.

Hilda: Yep. 

Claude: Well, time to divide and get conquered. 

Ignatz: Don’t you mean divide and conquer?

Claude: Nope. I’m going for Dimitri and he looks like a complete top. 

Hilda: BIG YEP. 

Claude: I’m thinking we get Songbird on our side and pair up for the rest of the operation.

Hilda: Won’t she need some “persuasion”?

Ignatz: I’d bet money that you can handle that. 

Claude: I’d bet all the money in the Alliance.

Ignatz: Please don’t.

Hilda: I’ll get on it. By which I mean get on her.

Claude: Hilda and I should team up for Dimitri and Dedue. Can you and Raph handle Ashe?

Ignatz: Absolutely.

Claude: Nice. Marianne should probably try her luck with Mercedes and Annette again. 

Marianne: I ran to the stables.

Ignatz: You won’t be alone this time!

Marianne: I guess that’s a fair point.

Marianne: Who’s coming with me?

Claude: Lysithea if she’s okay with being more involved.

Lysithea: I can provide moral support if needed.

Marianne: :)

Lysithea: I should tell you that my version of moral support will only involve standing in your general vicinity. 

Marianne: Good enough for me. 

Claude: Dorothea and Lorenz seem like a good match for Ingrid. 

Lorenz: I would enjoy talking with a lady as chivalrous as she is.

Lysithea: Doesn’t that leave Leonie with Sylvain and Felix?

Lorenz: As we’ve discussed, she isn’t exactly the best at subtlety.

Claude: That’s exactly why I’m sending her after those two. They’re both the opposite of subtle.

Lorenz: Fair point. 

Claude: Everyone clear?

Lysithea: Crystal.

Ignatz: We’ll do our best!

—Sunday, 8:30 p.m.—

Lysithea: I’m done overthinking things.

Claude: Hell must have frozen over. 

Lysithea: I mean I’m done overthinking sex. So far, it hasn’t gotten me closer to understanding anything. 

Raphael: Stop me if I’m overstepping, but wouldn’t you understand more if you were there for it?

Leonie: Now there’s an idea.

Lysithea: I’ve thought about it. 

Lysithea: Claude.

Claude: Yes most wonderful Lysithea? 

Lysithea: On second thought, there’s no way I’m giving anyone a chance to screenshot a confession from me. Are you in your room?

Claude: Marianne’s. You can absolutely come over. 

Leonie: Get some Lys!

Lysithea: We’ll see.

Raphael: I love our class.

Leonie: Me too, babe, me too.

Leonie: Now come cuddle with me and Iggy.

Raphael: On my way babe!

—Sunday, 10:00 p.m.—

Hilda: Wait one damn second. WAIT ONE GODDESS DAMNED SECOND. 

Marianne: We figured you’d be busy with Dorothea.

Hilda: Yeah, well, you were right. We’re still busy, actually. Just taking a break. 

Hilda: EVEN SO. This is exactly the sort of thing I’d want in on. 

Claude: Hilda.

Marianne: Dear Goddess, are you actually doing it?

Hilda: Doing what? Doing who?

Claude: You already know who. She’s requested that I send you something. 

Marianne: Lysithea sure is bold.

Hilda: Don’t you dare keep me in suspense. 

Claude: (audio file sent to Hilda)

Hilda: Break’s over.

Lorenz: I’m almost afraid to ask, but does anyone know why I can hear Dorothea screaming for Seiros?

Marianne: You can probably guess the answer to that. 

Lorenz: Oh I know what’s happening, but they definitely weren’t this loud before. 

Claude: Holy fuck.

Marianne: Saints above.

Lorenz: What?

Marianne: She just said to… 

Lorenz: Do continue.

Claude: Let’s just say, no one here is getting any sleep tonight.

Claude: (audio file sent to all members of the chat)

Lorenz: afffjskdddd

Raphael: i can’t breath

Raphael: is that who I think it is?

Ignatz: That’s

Ignatz: That’s really something. I don’t know what to do with myself after hearing that.

Leonie: I might have some ideas. 

Lorenz: How? How do you get someone to make those noises???

Marianne: Voyeurism.

Lorenz: What?

Claude: A certain White Rabbit really likes to watch. 

Leonie: Are you telling me you weren’t even touching her?!

Marianne: There was a lot of eye contact. 

Raphael: i’ll be passed out if anyone needs me. 

Ignatz: I’ll join you.

Leonie: Lorenz.

Lorenz: Unless you get to my room in less than ten minutes I’m taking care of myself. 

Leonie: I’m fucking running. 

—Monday, 6:00 a.m.—

Lysithea: My legs are numb. Is that normal?

Hilda: If Claude was involved, yes. 

Leonie: I thought you were just watching.

Lysithea: At first. I decided it was necessary to receive hands-on experience. 

Hilda: I’m sure you received a lot.

Lysithea: But now I feel things.

Leonie: Pretty sure that’s the afterglow. I felt it when Lorenz made me tea and fluffed my pillow last night. 

Lysithea: No, it’s more like I’ve realized something. 

Lysithea: Hilda.

Hilda: Yeah?

Lysithea: Can you head to Marianne’s room?

Hilda: I’ll stumble over to you. Somehow.

Leonie: If you’re that wrecked, I can only imagine Dorothea.

Hilda: She paid me back big time, so she might actually be better off. 

Leonie: I don’t know if that’s impressive or terrifying. 

Lysithea: Both.

—Monday, 7:30 a.m.—

Claude: Guess who just got a third girlfriend? 

Ignatz: You’re dating Lysithea? 

Lorenz: Claude “I live to tease” von Riegan is dating Lysithea “I hit my nonsense quota the day I was born” von Ordelia? The world must be ending.

Marianne: I was just as surprised, but she seems to have fallen for all three of us.

Raphael: Congratulations!!

Raphael: You should do something to celebrate.

Claude: A celebration you say.

Lorenz: No.

Claude: I haven’t even asked yet!

Lorenz: Then ask.

Claude: Will you

Lorenz: No. 

Hilda: Dearest Lorenz would you perhaps consider

Lorenz: Still no. 

Lorenz: Aren’t there other things we need to focus on?

Ignatz: With everything that’s happened I almost forgot. Are we going ahead with our operation, or do you four want time to enjoy each other?

Marianne: I’m actually even more excited about it now than I was before. 

Lysithea: Likely due to the fact that my moral support will now include more than simply standing beside you.

Hilda: That’s Lysithea for I adore my girlfriend.

Lysithea: Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you have to point it out.

—Monday, 7:45 a.m.—

Raphael: PROFESSOR BYLETH IS GIVING US A TEST ON WEDNESDAY.

Lysithea: I assume the use of all caps means you haven’t studied for it. 

Ignatz: You should be alright, Raph. You, me, and Leonie are having a study session today, remember?

Raphael: I thought that was for Friday’s test.

Lysithea: At least you remembered one of them. 

Ignatz: Speaking of which, I wanted to ask if you would be willing to help us review. 

Raphael: You’re definitely the best when it comes to reason. 

Lysithea: Flattery will get you nowhere. 

Lysithea: But I guess I can set aside some time. 

Raphael: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Ignatz: We’ll have to find a way to repay you. 

Lysithea: It might be nice to get some tips on building my stamina.

Ignatz: You’ve been typing for a while, love. I’m pretty sure she isn’t trying to become as buff as you are.

Lysithea: Correct. 

Raphael: ‘Kay.

Raphael: I’ll need to know what you can already do before I give you any advice. We can hash it out before we start studying.

Lysithea: Sounds good. 

Ignatz: Does 5:15 work for you?

Lysithea: That should be fine. 

Raphael: I’ll see you there!

Lysithea: You’ll see us in class in a few minutes.

—Monday, 11:30 a.m.—

Leonie: We put the next phase of our plan in action during lunch, right?

Claude: Right. 

Leonie: Alright. I was debating how to go about this and I’ve decided to outright ask them if they’re down to fuck. 

Hilda: That’s probably the best approach for those two. They’re about as blunt as you are. I wish things could be that straightforward with our guys. 

Claude: I’m not too sure about Dedue, but asking Dimitri that might put him in cardiac arrest. 

Leonie: Life would be easier if everyone was honest about their thirst. 

Hilda: ^^^

Lorenz: Some people prefer a more charming approach. 

Leonie: What’s more charming than someone admitting how much they want you? 

Lorenz: Your method certainly has its appeal. However, you should consider that others like to be shown affection in gentler ways. 

Leonie: Such as…?

Lorenz: I believe I provided you with plenty of examples last night. 

Hilda: Oh shit!

Claude: Who are you and what have you done with Lorenz? Lorenz Hellman Gloucester does not thirst. 

Lorenz: I very much do.

Leonie: How is that not blunt!?

Lorenz: You like it when advances are straightforward, so that’s how I approach you. My point is merely that different people like different things. 

Leonie: Did you have to pull that smooth-ass line to prove it?

Lorenz: Probably not, but it would have been a missed opportunity if I didn’t.

Claude: Okay, Claude. 

Leonie: Pfffft

Lorenz: You take that back this instant. 

Hilda: Okay, Claude. 

Lorenz: Not you too.

Leonie: Can we talk about the fact that Claude just used himself as an insult and his gf backed him up on it? 

Lorenz: Yes. Let’s. Before this becomes another dreadful meme. 

Claude: Don’t give me ideas. Also, anything to screw with Lorenz. 

Leonie: Why don’t you skip that and just screw Lorenz?

Claude: You say that like I haven’t.

Lorenz: You say that like he hasn’t.

Hilda: You say that like they haven’t.

Leonie: I stand corrected.

—Monday, 12:15 p.m.—

Lysithea: Targets secured. 

Hilda: That quickly? 

Marianne: We’re having a double date tomorrow. 

Hilda: Take pics!

Lysithea: Only if you do the same. 

Hilda: It’s a promise. 

Leonie: Pretty sure Sylvain is dtf with anyone and everyone. 

Lysithea: That’s the exact opposite of surprising. What about Felix?

Leonie: I’m sparring with him after school, so we’ll see how that goes. 

Hilda: If you have a fuck fight, I want details. 

Leonie: Bold of you to assume I’ll be capable of typing if that happens.

Claude: Hilda, I need you with Dimitri.

Hilda: Right away Golden Guild Leader.

Lorenz: Ingrid has agreed to a tea party with myself and Dorothea. 

Claude: Great! Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a beautiful Duscur man who doesn’t speak often enough. 

Ignatz: Would it be okay if Ashe came to our study session?

Raphael: We can make it a study date. 

Lysithea: As long as we actually study, it’s fine with me. 

Leonie: Hopefully I’ll still make it to our study date. 

Hilda: Fuck fight! Fuck fight! 

Hilda: On a side note, I don’t know if the prince’s shyness is endearing or frustrating. 

Marianne: Frustrating?

Hilda: He could so easily pin me down and _ruin_ me, and that’s exactly what I want him to do, but he’s too much of a knight in shining armor to even consider it. 

Lorenz: Have you tried simply asking him to tea?

Hilda: Believe me I’m trying to. 

Marianne: I may be able to help. 

Hilda: Please do. 

—Monday, 12:55 p.m.—

Ignatz: I can’t believe everything worked out. 

Claude: ‘Tis the magic of thirst my good man. 

Hilda: Now we definitely need to celebrate. 

Lorenz: Perhaps I’ll consider planning another tea party. 

Claude: We don’t deserve you. 

Lorenz: Truer words have never been spoken. 

Hilda: Shit. We might have to hold off on celebrating. 

Ignatz: What happened this time? 

Hilda: Pretty certain Songbird just notified the rest of her flock. 

Claude: Welp, nothing to be done about that. Especially now that our mission’s been completed. 

Lysithea: Couldn’t the Eagles have helped us out? 

Claude: Yeah, but chances are the princess would have turned things into a competition. That could’ve made our efforts look insincere. 

Lysithea: I see. Won’t there be fallout in the House Leader’s group chat?

Claude: I’ll deal with that when it happens. For now, let’s enjoy ourselves. Preferably over finely made refreshments. 

Lorenz: I said I’d consider it. Don’t push your luck. 

__


End file.
